


especially at night.

by nekodzukenma



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Foul Language, Insecurity, M/M, Overthinking, Questioning self worth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:47:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27629069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nekodzukenma/pseuds/nekodzukenma
Summary: He had become a constant in my life.And I don't know how to handle it, how to equal to it.I was scared, terrified, even.Especially at night.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Hinata Shouyou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	especially at night.

**Author's Note:**

> Day 2: Texts + Insecurity + "Was I ever enough?"
> 
> #Haikyuu #ハイキュー #HaikyuuAngstWeek2020
> 
> again, tw // insecurity , foul language , questioning self worth , overthinking
> 
> [ my twitter ](https://twitter.com/kodzuknm)

_4 new messages from "shoyo-kun"_

_g'morning keiji-san!! have a nice day ahead, okay!!_

_i'll try to drop by after practice so we can eat lunch together, yeah?_

_ooohh and!! we can go to miya-san's shop for onigiri!!_

_i love you! i love you!! i love youuuu!!! don't be too hard on yourself and remember to take a break once in a while okay!! hugs and kisses from shoyoooooo <333_

Akaashi couldn't help but smile at the texts he had received that morning. He had thanked Bokuto again in his mind for introducing him to the man that had sent these messages, the man he was in love with.

He'd always remember the day he met the love of his life: It was the day of the MSBY match against the Adlers. MSBY had won that day and Akaashi had an interview with his high school friend and athlete, Bokuto Koutaro, for the sports magazine he was currently working on, when he came in.

Akaashi Keiji was a man of words, being that he studied literature, but only one word had came into his mind when he saw Hinata Shoyo:

_sunray._

_He's so bright,_ Akaashi had thought.

_God forbid, he is an actual drop of sun. A drop of sun that somehow manifested into a person, a magnificent person. He put even Helios and Apollo to shame._

**"Oh, Keiji!"** Bokuto had snapped him out of his thoughts full of sunshine and yellow **"Let me introduce you! This here is my good friend and teammate, Hinata Shoyo! He had just returned from Brazil after pursuing beach volleyball! Isn't that cool!!"** Bokuto was hyperactive as usual, ruffling Hinata's hair as he told Akaashi all about Hinata.

 **"Hi! I'm Hinata Shoyo"** Hinata had offered his hand to shake for Akaashi.

_oh god calm down it's just a handshake, you've done this plenty of times haven't you, Keiji? Oh goodness, are my hands sweaty? Did I apply any lotion on my hands today? I can literally feel my hands shaking shit i'm taking way too long he might retract his hand oh shit just shake the man's hand for fuck's sake Akaashi Keiji—_

Akaashi's inner turmoil came to an abrupt stop as Hinata himself took Akaashi's hand from his side and shook it gingerly.

 **"Akaashi, was it? It's nice to meet you! I hope we get to see each other more in the future"** Hinata smiled as he made eye contact with Akaashi.

_Good God, I think I just blew a fuse. He. is. so. pretty. Yes please smile at me more I love your smile so much already. oh god. oh god. oh god. how can someone be this attractive this is a crime oh lord how could bokuto and his mates handle this on an almost daily basis shit shit shit what is happening to me AAAAAAA say something Keiji!!_

**"It's nice to meet you too, Hinata"** Akaashi put on one of his best smiles yet **"I hope we see each other more in the future too"**

Believe it or not, we did.

\---

11 months into dating Hinata Shoyo, it was beyond perfection.

He's the sweetest, most considerate, thoughtful, and loving partner. He's consistent, assuring, and understanding.

He had become a constant in my life.

And I don't know how to handle it, how to equal to it.

I was scared, terrified, even.

Especially at night.

_Was I ever enough? 11 months into this relationship and he has been nothing but consistent, always assuring that I was more that enough for him, but was I really? Was I ever enough for him? for myself? for our relationship? Have I not given enough? Did I give too much? What if he gets sick of me? gets tired of me? leaves me?_

_Good God, what if he does leave me? I don't want him to leave but what can I do? I'm just... me. Average. Plain. Boring. Someone as bright as him deserves so much more, he deserves better. Better than me. I'm not enough for him, he deserves the best and I'm sure as hell that it isn't me._

_But what about me? What will happen to me? What will happen to me once he does get to be with someone better?_

_Nono, I'll be okay, won't I? It's for the best: he ends up with someone that isn't me and i'll be happy for him. It's always been like that. It's okay for me to get hurt, for my feelings to be forgotten. Yeah, I'm gonna be okay. I'll get through this._

_Who the hell am I kidding_

_I love him, I can't just let him go_

_But I'm not enough for him_

_I love him_

_But he deserves better_

_I love him_

_But I don't deserve him_

I cried myself to sleep that night, as always.

\---

_22 new messages from "my keiji"_

_Hey Shoyo, I'm sorry if i'm texting you at this unholy time but I just had to get this off my mind._

_Ever since I first met you, I knew you were destined for bigger, better, and brighter things._

_I had always thought you were a beam of sunlight that shone through the dark days, my dark days to be specific, and I'll forever be thankful to you for it._

_But I always knew too that I could never be a part of those bigger, better, and brighter things._

_yknow? i've always had these thoughts ever since we started dating_

_what if you meet someone better?_

_what if you realize that you don't actually want me?_

_what if i don't give enough to you?_

_what if my love for you isn't enough?_

_things like that._

_and before you blame yourself (i know you will), it's not your fault, it's mine_

_don't ever blame yourself for whatever i'm thinking of us, of our relationship, because that's just how I am_

_and because of that I've come to a conclusion_

_a conclusion that hurts me mostly but i don't know for you_

_i want to break up_

_i'm sorry that i'm doing this over text but i just can't face you and say these words at the same time without sobbing_

_but don't worry, i'm still in love with you_

_and nothing can change that_

_i love you but I'm not enough for you_

_I love you but you deserve better_

_I love you_

_But I don't deserve you_

**Author's Note:**

> hope u enjoyed !!
> 
> [ my twitter ](https://twitter.com/kodzuknm)


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